beautiful day with beautiful people
"What’s your biggest fear?"
"When did you feel most alone?"
"On weekend nights in college, sometimes I’d sit by myself in the corner of my dorm room with nothing but a little light on, while all my friends went out."
"Why didn’t you go out with them?"
"It’s hard to say."
"i want to be your blowjob queen" -liz phair -me
"The present is shaped by the past." WELCOME 2 ACADEMIA
in our weekly phone conversation my dad asked me again if i have a boyfriend. when i said no, he said, “why? are you picky?” responded, “i don’t know.” thought of making up a boyfriend, who kevin suggested i call benjamin. make up stories of all the fun times i have with benjamin. then started imagining if instead i just told my dad the truth.
"no, i don’t have a boyfriend. i really like someone and we have hooked up a couple of times but he says he does not want a committed relationship right now"
"there is a person i like but i am too shy to talk to, so i just stare at them whenever i see them"
"i hooked up with someone but then he felt weird about it because he was actually pretty gay"
"it was hard for me to be interested in people for a long time because i kept comparing them to the last person i was in love with"
"i went on an okcupid date and the person was nice but then i had a panic attack and realized i only wanted to be friends with them"
"dad, do you know what ‘queer’ means?"
i think i would be a lot less resentful of school if i could just teleport to and from class and didn’t have to commute in the same space as thousands of students who somehow don’t seem to understand that bike lanes are for bikes and not people or brush shoulders with a bro walking on the wrong side of the stairway who is talking about what a “slut” some girl is
//bleak// (at Third Street Park)
no one will save you your death will go largely unnoticed inherent meaning does not exist enjoy a ginger beer
it becomes increasingly difficult to communicate w the ones you love new iphone 11 w difficult emotion direct transfer
desire constantly re-transcribes itself across your failing body nothing feels real you will be forgotten capture it with kroger disposable camera
god is dead science is comatose earth will go on without you find your new luxury dark matter flat in messier 83 galaxy today *free utilities*
you have come to realize most objects of creation are feeble attempts to satiate an ego machine your thoughts are misled your heart is choked by capital it’s about goddamn time you had a bag of salt & malt vinegar chips
all or most interactions are informed or in relation to capital / use value only your dogs love you unconditionally it is all circumstance it is not circumstantial at all perk up w a locally roasted cold brew buddy
august always feels like a lot of endings and beginnings
i remember moving into this apartment one year ago, sitting on the kitchen counter eating oatmeal left by the previous tenant
that oatmeal sat in our kitchen all year and yesterday i threw it away
i remember eating oatmeal while listening to a lot of elliott smith because you told me to, and how i couldn’t finish eating because my stomach was full with despair
and how i felt stranded between that insurmountable despair and some vague but extreme hopefulness
and falling in love with the family upstairs before i realized the husband was abusive, and feeling a sharp pang in my chest every time i heard him singing with his wife or playing guitar for his baby
and watching the moon from my window
and waking up to the sound of the baby crying
and thinking about the progression of life and pain
and the time the sun rose and you were there
since then hundreds of suns have risen
and today i am moving to a new house.